what should of been

listen, I now forgive all the woman who have
been with me and then left me
in order to find someone else to fuck,
to smoke with, to drink with or maybe just to
talk to.

I realize now that often I am dull
and that most of the time we simply weren't interested
in the same thing and/or things.

but I must tell you now that back then it was
difficult for me to forgive or under-
stand; I remember many nights of macho
hell
just looking at the walls
or an unmade bed
or a paper bag of Jack in the Box on the floor; the
minutes strangled inside my head;
and there was always female shit scattered about:
clothes on the bed, shoes on the floor, lipstick on
the dresser, a hairbrush in the bathroom ...

and then there was my precious ego, never being able
to understand how any of you could prefer
someone else to me.
there were many nights walking to and fro across
the room, refusing to accept, doubled over,
thinking: "shit, shit, shit..."

and trying to forget, going to parties,
looking, seldom finding, and when finding playing
a role I didn't really like, just hoping for
some kind of cheap vengeance
instead of accepting what should have been accepted
gracefully.

I understand that
I never would have met any of you
if you hadn't left someone else for me or been discarded
by someone else-
so here's to the good nights along with the bad:
at our best we experienced as much joy as any
one
and I thank all of you for giving me your
best;
you live in my heart and if there's a heaven
somewhere
someday you'll all be there
as
the great white shark continues to circle endlessly
in captivity
with stunned eyes, with dumb stunned
eyes.